Dealing With Society & Autism

Autism Awareness & Society Please refer all ** marks to Disclosure statement at the bottom of my post, also feel free to visit my Disclosure Page page on the bar on the right hand side of my blog. Links may be included in this post. Summary: Below I have described some of my experiences in society with individuals in society reacting to Carter's autism and how I handled the situation. I also have listed a few strategies you can use if these types of confrontations happen to you. Lastly I have included a bit about my family life for the week. To skip to the autism related topic "Techniques that help address the matter at hand, without being rude". My experiences with society that is not aware of autism: I have a few stories to share with you of strangers that approached me and tried to tell me exactly what to do with my autistic kiddo, or just said some rude remarks. I'll admit, some of these I did not handle well, which I believe if you have experienced this, you can relate. I am working on being more patient, responding with less, and keeping my cool. Hey, I'm not perfect, upsetting a mama bear is never a good idea. Stay sassy but keep it classy! On to the stories: The elderly man at the dollar store: Carter and I went to the dollar store for some fall decorations, nothing too fancy. I find spending a buck on a decoration is a lot better than getting one centerpiece at a department store for $30 or more. I mean, with kiddos, having nice stuff is great, however, as things get crazy around my house, sometimes they get ruined or broken.  Carter begged for me to buy him a toy, which he used to frequently do upon shopping. Needing to break him of this habit, I endured the power struggle every time and told him no. This then lead to a meltdown with verbal and object aggression, which at the time it always did. So, he had his meltdown, and in the middle of that, while I had Carter in a child's control position, (I'll save those for a future post) an elderly man approached me and began preaching his religion, telling me how to parent my child. I responded back to him, "He has autism, he does not understand.". After that, I ignored this man and continued the control position until Carter calmed. Once he did, we bought our decorations and left the store. I was very upset, I thought to myself, 'How dare this guy tell me what to do with my autistic kiddo? Rude!'. Back in the day of baby boomers, autism was not a diagnosis. I have heard now in this day and age, even the elderly are being diagnosed at this point. I am sure the majority of them do not have autism awareness, and I should not be upset about that. The gentleman at the gas station: Recently Carter came with me to the gas station. We went inside so I could pay for the gas and Carter saw a big box of suckers. He tried to take the whole box with him when it was time to leave. There was a gentleman in line behind us and he started laughing as Carter was screaming demanding I buy the whole box of suckers. Again, the power struggle. I told him no and this time he eventually did calm after a few minutes. I just glared at this guy. I told him "He has autism." and we started to walk away. The guy stared at us, eyes wide, and tried to apologize. I should have accepted his apology and told him to have a good day, however, I didn't even turn around and face him. I just kept walking with Carter in tow. I was pretty angry that this guy laughed; he probably did not mean to come across as poking fun at my son, however, that is how I interpreted it at the time.  Newly moved in neighbor: We live in an upper apartment. Within the past two weeks new neighbors moved in below us. As it was a Wednesday, last week, my parenting coach was at our apartment for a home visit. She coaches me through the struggles with autism I have as a parent. Carter was upset that I would not download a new game on his tablet, and the meltdown started. He was laying on the ground, kicking and screaming. Our new neighbors below us started banging on the ceiling. I ignored that as we also have neighbors next to us that are very loud - people coming through all day long, loud conversations in the hallway, and music blasting. Carter continued on and was not bothered by the banging. As I have learned, in this type of situation, to simply reply with "no" and wait it out. I could put him in a child's control position, however, he was safe on the carpet and was not thrashing around hurting himself. After about 2 minutes, there was a knock at the door. Carter opened the door, and as the neighbor from below us did not enter our apartment, Carter propped the door open with some shoes. The lady then began to rant on how she is annoyed with all the stomping and this is unacceptable. I replied to her, "He has autism, he's having a meltdown.". She apparently did not care about that and kept on. I was not sure what to say. I was so upset that she was standing at my door screaming into our household, if I said much I would end up yelling right back at her. This continued on for 5 minutes. After that, I told the lady, "I don't care, you do what you gotta do." and slammed the door in her face. Yes, I did. As my parenting coach is through the county, due to legal reasons as Carter is her client, she was not able to respond to the neighbor. Family at Christmas: This was years ago, Carter was about 3 years old. My family is pretty big, we usually only get together for holidays, and do not keep in touch aside from social media. As holidays usually go, there is a spread of food along with desserts. Carter I am guessing was upset that he could not have a cookie, he did not say anything. Again, another meltdown. One family member told me he deserved a spanking. I am against striking a child, special needs or not. Another family member put Carter on his lap, and held onto him, telling him to stop. Carter did not stop. This went on for about 10 minutes. After that, I had enough. I brought Carter into another room, laid him on the floor, and monitored him so he would not hurt himself. I was crying and very upset. He did calm within 20 minutes, I left the Christmas party shortly after that. I have now made my family aware of Carter's autism, and they have changed their tune. I feel possibly some family members did not understand before what autism was, or believe his diagnosis was correct. As I have said before, at the time I was not always sure either. Techniques that help me now to address the matter at hand, without being rude: As I have stated above, I did not always (and sometimes still) lose my cool in these situations. After speaking with my parenting coach, she had some suggestions for me on how to handle these situations better. After much thought, taking the high road models good behavior for my kiddos. I plan to change my approach using the following strategies below: Stay Calm: Count to 10 in your head, think of a nice ocean or something similar, whatever you have to do within reason to keep yourself from losing it. Listen first: Listening to what the individual is saying is important, even if they do not say anything. Wait to speak until they have finished, and if they keep on and do not stop talking, I would suggest just walking away rather than yelling back or interrupting. Know what you want to say, and how to say it: Yep, I am serious. Rehearsing some generic responses at home can be beneficial. This way, when you do respond, you can be firm, but not rude either. For example, "I appreciate your concern, however, my son is having a meltdown and this is not a good time to discuss. Would you like to get some coffee later and revisit this conversation then?". If they reply no or just walk away, problem solved. If they accept your invite, follow through with it and listen first. Here is another example, "Ma'am (or Sir), this may be bothersome, however, my son (or daughter) needs to regulate their body and this is just what he (or she) does. He (or she) has autism and his (or her) brain functions differently.". As I have said in one of my stories above, some of the elderly may not understand.  Do what you need to do: Whether someone is laughing, poking fun, or just plain saying rude remarks, do what you need to do for your child. If your child needs some deep pressure, apply deep pressure. If your kiddo needs to be moved to a quiet space, bring them there. Sometimes this step comes before the others.  Don't get yourself down afterward: It's not the end of the world when these confrontations occur; you can still continue your grocery shopping or family outing. Yes, there have been times I have cried afterward, even in the car driving home. However, autism does not just disappear. Just because someone else is not aware or even if they are, and are just being a jerk the whole time, that's on them, not you. There is a big difference between bad parenting and working through a meltdown; some people may not see it that way. Process with your child, if possible: After the whole ordeal, maybe even in the car or at home, process the situation with your child (if you can). Ask the 'wh' questions, see if you can find the trigger from that situation. If your kiddo asks questions about the person, keep in mind, modeling behavior is important. Simply stating, "That person does not understand how different and special you are, that is why I had a conversation with that person.". There is a lot of critical thinking and problem solving with processing; it can be difficult to work through these things, once you do, remember what the trigger was, and see if you can avoid it next time. Utilize a support system: Venting to a friend or your SO may help get those angry feelings and thoughts out of your head. They may also have some ideas on more things you could say, or how to help you feel better. Going through this alone can be very saddening, having someone there to help you through is so beneficial. But wait, didn't you say you are not always 'calm' during these situations? Yes, it happens. And it may also happen to you. I created this post to give some strategies of how to get through the remarks and judging thoughts some people in society may have. As I have said above, I am not perfect. Any knowledge I have that I can provide to others, I will do what I can to help. What's going on with us this week? As the school year is coming to a close, I have the IEP's scheduled for the kiddos. Maddex also has one, due to speech. It's been a rough week as Andy has been working for a week straight 12 hours a day 😭 We haven't had much time together and I hate seeing him so tired. Luckily, today he has off. This has thrown off the kid's routine which just makes everything harder, especially mornings. The warm weather also has the kids all ramped up. I am happy to say, no poop this week! (Let me knock on my wooden desk quick) I am doing well with my new cleaning schedule and weekly routine. **Minecraft had a new update so we are all playing around with that more than usual. The kiddos right now are playing with toys watching **YouTube. Also, this morning, I found the bunch of bananas on top of our kitchen cabinets. Carter admitted he did this, I did find it laughable that he actually pulled a prank on me, but we still discussed why that is not acceptable. That pretty much sums up my week! My closing thoughts In today's society, autism awareness is growing, however, some people still do not know what it's about. There will always be people watching, judging, or some that just do not understand. Handling these situations can be difficult. I hope my strategies I have listed above help those of you with autistic kiddos. Have a great day ☺ **Disclosure: Reviews of products & referenced links are not sponsored by any affiliates and are solely the opinion of the Author; these are strictly opinions and honest advice, which should not be considered consumer or health guidelines. The Autism Soup and/or The Author are not responsible for any injuries or damage due to procedures listed above. Please consult with your doctor in regards to health concerns.