Little Deal VS. Big Deal

Is it a little deal or a big deal? Please refer all ** marks to Disclosure statement at the bottom of my post, also feel free to visit my Disclosure Page page on the bar on the right hand side of my blog. Links may be included in this post. Summary: Below I have listed how I determine if a meltdown is a "big" or "little" deal; I have also described Friday's in our household. No need to skip to the autism related topic as I have included it first; it is below! **How to determine if your kiddo is in crisis mode, or if the situation is fixable with help Sometimes kiddos have meltdowns, sometimes they have tantrums, sometimes they have anxiety about an ongoing or future event. Distinguishing between those can be difficult at times. Triggers for meltdowns vary greatly; for example, Carter has meltdowns over going to school along with the wrong brand or flavor of cheese we have. (One of his favorite snacks) As Autism is a spectrum disorder, all kiddos fit somewhere on the spectrum, and all kiddos are different. There is not one set list of behaviors or actions for all kiddos. Most of winning the battle here is trial and error. What works for my kiddo may not work for yours; thinking outside the box and not giving up are very important. Chances are, your kiddo is probably as frustrated as you when it comes to getting the situation under control, if you are unsure how to fix it. So how to we determine what is a little deal or a big deal? How do we make it all better and get our kiddo back on track?  Finding the trigger for the behavior is where I start. If the cause of the behavior is unknown, it is very difficult personally for myself to make things better. So how to find the trigger?: That depends on your kiddo. See below for some techniques I have tried which help me to get my kiddo back on track: Communication: If your kiddo has a good communication system with you, utilize that. Carter is on the higher-functioning end of the spectrum and is able to voice concerns to me. He does not yet initiate those conversations, and often times I have to wait him out. He will tell me what's bothering him when he's ready. Observing Behavior: Hone in to those red flags before the meltdown. Did something happen right before the behaviors happened? Was there a change in routine? Did your kiddo get their medications at the proper time, dosage, and method usually used? (if they take medication) Do they have their favorite lovie along? (I have labeled any favorite toy or object as a lovie; Carter has a pillow case and has named it "Nonnie" or "Nonn" for short. It goes everywhere with us) More important information on lovies in a future post. All those 'wh' questions, including 'how' are important in figuring out what's going on. Regulation: Is the kiddo over or under stimulated? Comfort in body regulation is important. Often times, I find with Carter, if he is over stimulated - running around at a fast speed, talking louder than usual for long amounts of time, extensive hand flapping, or any form of aggression, he needs to be regulated. I have included regulation techniques on my previous post. If you would like more information, please click on my post Easter Sunday. Basic Needs: These are things that personally upset me and I would consider normal for any kiddo, regardless of if they are on the spectrum or not. Are they hungry? tired? in pain / have injury? (whether this is a paper cut or something serious) cold? hot? sick? If I am hungry and have a headache I am not the same person as if I am satiated and not in pain. I wouldn't expect Carter to feel any different. Any other basic needs you can think of to consider asking yourself when identifying triggers is great! These are just a few examples. Appearance: This could be anything from a new haircut to a tag on their shirt. Do they have new shoes or something they do not feel comfortable with? Even a backpack could be a trigger. These may sound silly, but I mean really if you think about it, these "little" things could be fixed, and save you a lot of grief. As I have stated before, Carter refuses to wear jeans as he does not like them, and may turn his shirt inside out if the tag is bothering him. Again, he would rather do that then tell me he needs me to help him fix the problem with the tag on the shirt. When I buy new clothes, I immediately (after trying them on of course 😁 ) remove the sales tags and wash them. I cannot stand to wear new clothing without washing it first. Relating to your child's triggers as much as possible can help expand your understanding of the 'why' your kiddo is having behaviors. We will get to the fixing part of these scenarios later on in this post. Sensory: This ties in to regulation. There are plenty of products out there to make both your lives easier. For example, I took Carter to the circus with noise-cancelling headphones. He was able to attend the whole event without crying or throwing anything. (object aggression) That was great! All due to one set of noise-cancelling headphones. Sunglasses also are a biggie. I wear them, why would my kiddo not like some also? I let Carter pick out a red pair (his favorite color), with UV protection of course! He has a pair in my car, and also a pair in his backpack when he goes to school. Car rides used to be a real bear; Carter would request we take the "shortcut way" to our destination. I have figured out this was due to less time in the car as the sunlight triggered his anxiety. Now we can take the "long way" and all is well. Is the lovie along for wherever you are? Comfort found in the lovie can help your kiddo self-soothe by touching, or simply having an object in their hand.  Brain Overload: A long day at school without breaks in between can cause a number of behaviors. I remember when Carter needed 5 minute breaks in between 2 minute tasks during school. He has now expanded break times to 3 hours within 6 months. I was completely surprised when the school told me this, I am very proud! This would be something to mention at an IEP meeting if you feel school is very hard for your kiddo. If they are given too many directions without time to process, or "their picture" doesn't match "your picture" of what the expected finished task looks like, they may not understand and just completely go into meltdown mode. More on the "pictures" in a future post. It is common for kiddos to struggle with communicating these "deals". Again, these are just a few examples, observing the behavior most likely will help you pinpoint these types of behaviors. Routine: Rigid routines are a common occurrence with Autistic kiddos. If any part of that routine is changed, meltdowns may occur. Once we switched schools last year, Carter had a hard time when going to school. Last year I transported him to school. This year he takes a shuttle van and has a harness with a tether strap he wears during transport. Transitioning between this transportation change took 4 months. Now he is able to get on and off the shuttle without a problem. Granted there are still days I cannot pinpoint triggers and he goes off to school escalated. By no means am I a perfect Autism mom! These things happen. Once the trigger is identified, then we distinguish "big" and "little" deals: Something that is a "big deal" would be a trigger that results in extreme behaviors, such as clearing tables, destroying a room, verbal / object / person aggression (which could be on them self or another person), crying, and isolation. These are things that need your help to fix. For example, loud music. As I described above, I use noise-cancelling headphones with Carter for events. This is something he needs my help with, as he cannot purchase these himself; also, he would not be able to understand this product is an option to help fix the situation.  A "little deal" would be a trigger or anxiety that results in less extreme behaviors, such as isolation or refusing to communicate, or crying. These are things that your kiddo can fix themselves, or are simply not worth the power struggle for the day. If my kiddo is sick, obviously I am not going to take him to school or force him to wear anything but pajamas. We have some cold medicine he will absolutely NOT take as he had a bad initial experience with it. I tried it and almost vomited myself, so I get it. (See, trial and error. If I would have not tried that medicine, I would not have found the "why" for the behaviors) On a sick day as I have described, I would still push fluids and give a fever reducer, monitoring him. I also would not stress the issue of homework for the day. These things are "little" deals, yes, a sickness is serious always, however, I am not going to force my kiddo to follow his routine to a tee in this situation. I am willing to work with him to make the situation better. An example of a situation they could fix them self would be putting sunglasses on in the car as the sunlight may cause anxiety. I have described this situation above for my son, Carter in Sensory.  There are varying degrees of meltdowns and triggers, these listed above are simply some examples. Why does the "little" vs "big" deal work? This builds trust, which could lead to more communication from your kiddo about other triggers, and also a feeling of security that you can help them. That usually leads to less and less behaviors, as you are able to help them fix the situation, or give them what they need to fix the situation them self. How a typical Friday looks in our household As always, I like to incorporate in my posts a little tidbit of my life as an Autism mom. I most likely would not trust an Autism parent blogging about strategies on how to help my kiddo if they did not include any personal stories. But hey, that's just my two cents! Friday morning Carter attends school as usual. Maddex's dad picks Maddex up at noon. As Carter is still in school, he does not see his brother until visiting time with his dad is over (Sunday at 2 pm). When Carter comes home, his brother is gone with his dad. This gives him free reign to all their toys. For the first few hours he enjoys it. Then later on, usually 3 to 4 hours later, he asks me every 10 minutes when Maddex is coming home. He also expresses that he misses his brother. This to me is considered a "little deal". After answering his questions, he is able to see himself that his brother will return. He also self-soothes with his lovie and body regulation on his own. So after he comes home from school, only on Friday's, we play Minecraft for an hour. Afterwards, we have supper. On Friday, vegetables are not offered. He is very excited for Friday's to avoid the "no thank you bite". More on that in a future post. After supper he gives himself a shower. We are to the point I still check that he is clean and teeth are brushed / flossed. During the start of the transition from giving him a shower myself, to now doing it himself, I did supervise and rarely needed to use verbal cuing. After bathing, he has one hour to play before bedtime. At bedtime he is allowed his tablet for a half hour before sleep. Friday's are one of his favorites; they go pretty well with the occasional spike in behavior. Today has been an okay Friday, aside from the poop! Luckily this was before his shower time. Like most kiddos, he simply wants to play and tries to hold it rather than using the bathroom. Have I mentioned the poop obsession? My kiddo enjoys playing with his poop. 😲 I know. I have plenty of **Lysol, carpet cleaner, and air freshener stocked. Occasionally I find poop nuggets hidden. I have no idea why he finds this a preferred activity, however, it has improved from how often I used to see this. Currently he is showering, getting clean. As Andy is off work for the weekend, I plan to take some time to myself and go to the gym. "Me" time is important to stay sane! Hopefully the remainder of the night goes well, Happy Friday All! My closing thoughts Yes, this one is a biggie. I understand how hard it can be to identify what exactly is going on with your kiddo and how to fix it. It is sometimes a hard, long process. However, once identified both you and your kiddo's lives will be MUCH easier! I am encouraging you to take the 5 minutes to brainstorm on the 'why' or 'how' and then take action on the situation. You can have a safe, calm kiddo and go anywhere in society with confidence. It is possible, I have done it. This may take some time. Give yourself the time, be patient and persistent. There are support groups out there for Special Needs parents. You are not alone in this! If you are still struggling, search for parent coaching services in your area. If you cannot find any, do some research online. There are loads of websites and videos out there for Autism parents, in the same situation as you or me. Never give up! Things do get better! **Disclosure: Reviews of products & referenced links are not sponsored by any affiliates and are solely the opinion of the Author; these are strictly opinions and honest advice, which should not be considered consumer or health guidelines. The Autism Soup and/or The Author are not responsible for any injuries or damage due to procedures listed above. Please consult with your doctor in regards to health concerns.